


He Should Have Saved Him 2

by smolxings, squidling



Series: He Should Have Saved Him Collection [2]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Afterlife, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Self Harm, mentions of abuse, mentions of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-07 18:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 20
Words: 12,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7725769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolxings/pseuds/smolxings, https://archiveofourown.org/users/squidling/pseuds/squidling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soonyoung has some new, joyful company in the afterlife and Jeonghan has to deal with losing the one who has joined Soonyoung.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Aftermath

**Author's Note:**

  * For [smolxings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolxings/gifts).



Joshua stepped into the bookstore. His body felt numb. He knew his eyes were red and puffy. He needed to work. Jeonghan had took Jihoon’s death harder than he had and wasn’t quite ready to go back to work yet. Dokyeom saw and enveloped him in a hug.

“Are you worrying about Jihoon again?” He asked. Joshua shook his head.

“No one’s going to worry about Jihoon anymore,” Joshua said. Dokyeom was taken aback and confused.

“Wha- how come?” He said.

“Jihoon killed himself three days ago.” Joshua said, straight to the point. Dokyeom’s eyes widened. He didn’t know what to say. Joshua sighed and walked behind the counter, Dokyeom trailing after him.

“I’m really sorry, hyung,” he expressed his condolences. 

“Are you really that surprised, though?” Joshua asked. “I saw it coming. He wasn’t ever going to be happy again, Dokyeom.”

Joshua was worried about Jeonghan. He was eating very little if at all, wouldn’t get out of bed and spoke very little and quietly. He wasn’t as bad when Soonyoung died. But then after all, Jeonghan had grown up with Soonyoung and Jihoon and now the two had died. Joshua wondered if he blamed himself for Jihoon’s suicide. 

He knew Jihoon was happy now that he was gone. He believed he had joined Soonyoung in an afterlife. For now, Joshua was thinking about Jihoon’s funeral. His parents were coming down from Busan to plan it. Joshua had offered to help, which they had gladly accepted.

Jeonghan was going to write an eulogy for Jihoon. He was his childhood best friend so he had felt obliged. He wasn’t sure what he should write. He didn’t have the energy. All he wanted was to sleep, with Joshua hugging him lovingly in his warm arms. But this was reality. He couldn’t.

“Hiya, sugar,” Joshua greeted as he walked into their bedroom. Only the top of Jeonghan’s head was poking out the duvet. He mumbled a response.

Joshua chuckled and placed a cactus on his bedside table before pulling the covers down from his fiance’s face. He didn’t want him getting hot and unable to breathe. The boy looked around the room.

“Is that Jisoo?” He mumbled when he noticed the cactus.

“Yeah.” Joshua nodded. “Maybe we should put him in the guest room, seeing as Jihoon was there all the time.” Jeonghan didn’t reply. Joshua sighed and climbed into bed besides him. He pulled him close and kissed his forehead.

“Hey, Jihoon’s happy now, okay?” He whispered.

“It just hurts. They’re my childhood best friends. And I lost both of them.” Jeonghan nuzzled his face into Joshua’s neck. “I’m twenty-three and I’ve lost my childhood best friends and my dad. It hurts.

“I know, baby, I know.”


	2. Afterlife

Jihoon sat up in his bed. He looked around, confused. Was he dead? Had his suicide attempt worked? He didn’t know. Maybe he was in hospital, in a coma, and this was all a dream. He assumed that the sound of the front door opening and closing was Jeonghan. He sighed. The bedroom door opened and someone walked in. They froze and stared at each other.

He hadn’t see those eyes in almost three years. The eyes he adored. The eyes the color of the coffee he liked. The eyes he gazed lovingly into since he was five years old. He saw the blue hair that he once ran his fingers through during heated makeout sessions, and he saw the pink lips he used to softly press his lips against.

“Jihoon!” Soonyoung joined Jihoon on the bed and held him close to his chest. Jihoon wrapped his arms tightly around him, as though he was scared if he let go he would disappear.

“Soonyoung! Oh my god, my Soonyoung,” Jihoon felt as though his heart was about to burst.

“Jihoon,” Soonyoung realised something. “Y-you know if you’re here, you’re dead, right, babe?”

“Yeah,” Jihoon said, happy. “Yeah, I know.” Soonyoung pulled away from the hug and cupped his hands around Jihoon’s face. He ran his thumbs along his jawlines, feeling how sharp they had become.

“What happened?” He asked softly. 

“I killed myself.” Jihoon told him. “I overdosed on pills.” Soonyoung’s heart broke. He knew he was the reason. He had thought that maybe Jihoon was doing okay without him. Maybe he had moved on, gotten a new boyfriend.

“Why?” He whispered, but he knew the answer.

“Because life was shit without you, Soonyoung,” Jihoon was straight to the point. “I was so miserable, like I was stuck in a tunnel with no light at the end. I was bitter and cold and sarcastic, and I was so ungrateful towards all the love and care I got from Joshua and Jeonghan. Fuck, they made me stay with them whilst I recovered from my first suicide attempt.”

“You tried before?”

“Yeah, I drove out into the road purposely when a car was coming. I broke two ribs and my wrist, and cut myself in places.” Soonyoung’s heart hurt. All he could do was embrace him.

“It’s okay. We’re together now,” Soonyoung stroked Jihoon’s hair.

“Forever?”

“Forever. I promise. I love you.” Soonyoung took hold of Jihoon’s small, skinny fingers.

“I love you more.”

“I love you most.”

“Impossible.”


	3. First Meetings

Jihoon sniffled, standing on his own in the playground. He was surrounded by kids he was unfamiliar with, and he just wanted to go home to his mommy. He was scared and lonely and all he could do was cry.

“Are you okay?” A boy who looked a little older than Jihoon was suddenly stood by Jihoon’s side.

“I want my mommy,” Jihoon sniffed. 

“It’s okay,” the boy wrapped his small, pudgy arms around Jihoon. Jihoon cried into his shoulder. “I’m Yoon Jeonghan. What’s your name?” He said once Jihoon had calmed down a little bit.

“Lee Jihoon.” The younger boy wiped a tear with the end of his large, oversized sweater. “W-when’s your birthday?” Jihoon needed to know if he was his hyung.

“4th of October, 1995. I’m an angel,” Jeonghan giggled. Jihoon nodded.

“Hyung.” He mumbled. 

He was devastated when he realised Jeonghan wasn’t in his year. Jihoon had one friend now, but no one in his class. But he was relieved he had someone to hang out with at break. He was paired up with a boy named Seokmin, who was mostly known as Dokyeom for a reason unknown by Jihoon, and so that was who he stuck with in his class. They weren’t very close, though.

Jihoon was scared to move up to elementary. He knew Jeonghan was in the year above, but he was going to have to meet more new people. He was frightened of new people. Jihoon was a shy crybaby.

He was put next to a smiley boy, who he learnt was his hyung named Soonyoung. He was very chatty and he and Jihoon immediately clicked. Jihoon decided he liked him, and introduced him to Jeonghan at break. Jeonghan didn’t have any friends in his year, but he was happy with his two younger friends.

Jihoon realised Jeonghan was possibly the most caring person he had ever met when he looked after a first grader who was sat on his own with three toy dinosaurs. Jihoon and Soonyoung were in third grade at this point and Jeonghan was in fourth. 

“Should we talk to the kid on his own?” Jeonghan asked. Jihoon was sat sipping his juicebox.

“His dinosaurs are his friends,” Jihoon said. Soonyoung snickered. “Look, he’s perfectly content cuddling that fluffy one.”

“That is one fluffy dinosaur.” Soonyoung stated. Jeonghan stood up and walked towards the little boy. The two younger boys trailed after him.

The boy was seemingly intimidated by three older kids walking his way, as he shuffled backwards and buried his small, chubby face into his biggest dinosaur. Jeonghan perched next to him.

“It’s okay,” he reassured the child as he looked at him, frightened. “We just thought you looked lonely.”

“He did,” Jihoon corrected. “Soonyoung and I thought you looked very happy with your dinosaurs.”

“Shut up, Jihoon,” Jeonghan said. The first grader placed a fluffy pterodactyl in his lap. Jeonghan looked at it before picking it up and stroking its little head.

“He’s called Max.” The first grader said softly. His voice was a little muffled by the toy by his mouth “He’s a pterodactyl. This is Bibi. He’s a stegosaurus.” He took the plushie from his mouth and put him in Jeonghan’s lap too. “And this is Egg. He’s a velociraptor.” Egg was added to the small pile on Jeonghan’s lap. The eldest boy smiled, stroking each of their heads in turn.

“And what’s your name?” He asked.

“Chan.” Replied the small boy. “Lee Chan.” Jeonghan introduced himself and his two friends, and soon nicknamed the first grader Dino. He seemed to prefer Dino to Chan.


	4. "I'm fine."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeonghan isnt fine

_Snip ___

__Joshua’s eyes fluttered open. He saw his fiancé stood in front of the mirror, a pair of scissors in one hand and a clump of hair in the other. Jeonghan set the four inch long locks on the end of the bed before lining up his fingers and cutting more hair._ _

__“Jeonghan, stop,” Joshua sat up. Jeonghan looked at him, then chose to ignore him. Joshua walked over and took the scissors._ _

__“Let me finish!” Jeonghan protested._ _

__“I’ll finish it for you. You’ll ruin your hair. Goodness knows how it’s cut straight and neatly so far,” Joshua combed through the next section before cutting. Jeonghan sighed. Joshua finished off the bob haircut and combed through it. The older boy took the scissors and cut in a side fringe._ _

__“I just want a change.” Jeonghan put the scissors down and hugged his fiancé, nuzzling his face into his neck. Joshua nodded understandingly. They cuddled together for a few minutes before Jeonghan pulled away to walk over to a chest of drawers in the corner of the room. He took a bag from the top of it and zipped it open so that he could begin coating his face in makeup. Joshua watched, wondering what he was going to do today._ _

__Jeonghan enjoyed makeup. He didn’t care that it’s typically for women because it made him feel good. Most of the time he would put very little on. Joshua knew that the more makeup Jeonghan put on, the more sad, stressed or angry he is. He sometimes used it as a distraction, as coating his face would force him to concentrate or something other than his emotions._ _

__“Full face today?” Joshua asked. Jeonghan nodded, and began layering on some concealer. Once he had finished concealer and blush, he showed Joshua his eyeshadow palette._ _

__“Which one? Or two, I could blend them in or something,” Jeonghan said. Joshua thought for a second._ _

__“Those two reds,” Joshua said, pointing out two shades. Jeonghan thanked him and began coloring over his eyelid. He used the darker red first before blending into a lighter shade at the end._ _

__Joshua watched. He used makeup himself, but only lightly. He didn’t even think about coloring his lips whilst Jeonghan was currently blending two lipsticks onto his plump, previously pale pink lips. All Joshua could think about was how amazing his fiancé looked._ _

__“Gorgeous,” Joshua commented when Jeonghan was done._ _

__“Did you just look in the mirror?” Jeonghan asked. He put away his makeup._ _

__“No, I’m talking about you, babe. Your eyeliner is amazing,” Joshua complimented._ _

__“Yeah, well, I’m hoping the wings will fly me away from all my problems.” Jeonghan said, and left the room, disposing of his hair. Joshua chuckled and trailed after him. He had next wandered into the kitchen to make himself a coffee. Joshua wrapped his arms around Jeonghan’s small waist._ _

__“You’re wearing a lot of makeup,” Joshua said. He was worried._ _

__“I wanted to look good.”_ _

__“We’re not doing anything today. And I woke up to you cutting your own hair.” Joshua said._ _

__“I’m fine.”_ _

__“I don’t think you’re coping ver-”_ _

__“I said I’m fine.” Jeonghan pulled himself free of Joshua’s grasp and settled down on their living room’s window seat. Jihoon’s favorite spot. Joshua ran his fingers through his hair. He was silent for a couple of minutes as he watched his fiancé. After a little while he walked back to their bedroom to get ready himself. He had work in an hour._ _

__He threw on whatever clean clothes he could find (black skinny jeans and a t-shirt that once belonged to Jihoon), brushed through his hair and almost ran downstairs._ _

__“I’m going into work early today, babe. I’ll see you later. I love you!” Joshua called as he left the house. He climbed into the black car and began to drive._ _

__Of course, he found himself at Soonyoung’s grave, stressing about Jeonghan and crying until he was late for work._ _


	5. The Funeral

Joshua finished tying Jeonghan’s tie. He looked him up and down. He looked very smart in a completely black suit. His bobbed hair had been dyed black, too. Joshua’s hair, however, was pink like a grapefruit.

“You look good,” Joshua said. Jeonghan nodded.

“This is gonna hurt.” He responded.

“Funerals always hurt, Hannie,” Joshua kissed his fiancé’s forehead. “Don’t worry about the eulogy, okay? You’ll be fine.” Jeonghan nodded once more, and the couple set off for the church.

Jeonghan was worried about breaking down during his speech. Despite his doubts, he stayed strong and didn’t cry throughout his eulogy.

“Good afternoon. My name is Yoon Jeonghan, and I grew up best friends with Jihoon. I had known him since he was three years old, when I saw him crying on his own in the playground. I didn’t have anyone, he didn’t have anyone, so I adopted him as my new best friend. He used to be a shy, little crybaby, and in all honesty, it was the cutest thing I have ever seen. He grew out of that when he was about seven, when he discovered what sarcasm was. Deep down, he was still sweet and kind. He just didn’t show that side of him often. Jihoon was talented in every aspect. He could play four instruments amazingly, he could sing, he could produce, he could dance, he could draw. He even had an amazing talent in clicking his fingers. I can’t think of a thing that boy couldn’t do.  
“My favorite memory with Jihoon is probably when my father died. He turned up on my doorstep with a box full of cookies, hoping to cheer me up a little bit. And he did. He talked with me in my room and made me laugh and showed the lovely, kindest side of him that he liked to hide behind a hint of humorous sarcasm and light teasing. It’s a shame he didn’t show the sweet side of him more often, especially his last few years. Although some people didn’t see it, Jihoon was one of the nicest people I had ever met. I’ll miss his little compliments that came from nowhere, which you knew were always from his heart. I’ll miss his laugh. I’ll miss his singing. I already severely miss his company. But I know he’s happy now, and Jihoon happy is what matters. He will be severely missed by all.”

Jeonghan realised as he walked back to his fiancé that he had stated what he missed about Jihoon in the past almost-three years. The last time he had smiled or laughed was before Soonyoung had died. The last time he would randomly sing was before Soonyoung died. Every trace of happiness had left Jihoon’s body when Soonyoung died.

“I’m proud of you,” Joshua whispered. Jeonghan had managed not to sob whilst he spoke. His eyes teared up, but he hadn’t sobbed. He cried into Joshua’s shoulder as Jihoon’s coffin was lowered the six feet into the ground, though. He was buried just a tombstone apart from Soonyoung, as close as they could to him.

Joshua sat with Jeonghan as he cried at the foot of Jihoon’s grave at the end of the funeral. It reminded him of Jihoon at Soonyoung’s funeral. His hand was rubbing Jeonghan’s back. Chan was also sat with them, sniffling, hugging his knees to his chest. In that moment, Chan didn’t seem twenty years old. He was so little and seemed so vulnerable when he was sad. He was like the thirteen year old Joshua had first met.

“Would you like us to drop you home, Chan?” Joshua asked softly once both boys had stopped sobbing.

“Yes please,” he whispered. Joshua helped Jeonghan stand up before giving a hand to Chan. Chan took it, and he looked at his childhood friend’s tombstone once more before following the engaged couple to their car.

“Or would you rather stay at ours for a little bit? You live alone, right?” Joshua said as Chan climbed into the back seat.

“Yeah, I do,” Chan sniffed. “I’d like to go to yours for a little bit.”

Joshua nodded and drove straight to he and Jeonghan’s home. The car ride was silent, other than Chan and Jeonghan’s sniffing.

Jeonghan immediately sat on the window seat when they got to their house. The hot, sunny weather annoyed him. How could the outside world seem so happy on such a depressing day, mourning such a depressed boy?

His sad thoughts were interrupted when a felt something be placed in his lap. He noticed a little plushie dinosaur keyring. He looked up and saw Chan standing by him.

“His name is Lucas,” Chan said quietly. “He’s a tyrannosaurus rex. You can keep him. I think you need him more than me.” Jeonghan took the little dinosaur in his hand and stroked its soft head with his thumb.

“Thank you.” He whispered. Chan nodded.

Jeonghan didn’t sleep that night. He thought of Jihoon and where he could be now. Eventually he sat on their window seat on he and Joshua’s bedroom to try see the stars. He fell asleep there, his back against the wall, head against the window.


	6. Three Squeezes

Jihoon had really always known he liked Soonyoung, and had no interest in any girls whatsoever. He realised properly though when there were daisies in the school’s field at lunchtime. They were in sixth grade, and Jihoon had begun picking the daisies. Jeonghan did so too, but he was slipping his into his hair. Jihoon was making a daisy chain to make a flower crown. Soonyoung had become on with the grass, his body spread out like a starfish, his head on his backpack.

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon said. Soonyoung sat up, looking at Jihoon. The youngest boy took his flower crown and set it perfectly on top of Soonyoung’s head. The white and yellow of the flowers stood out beautifully against Soonyoung’s black hair. Jihoon’s heart fluttered. He looked gorgeous. Soonyoung beamed.

“I like flower crowns,” he said. Jihoon smiled.

“You look very pretty.” He complimented. Jeonghan smiled at the way the two looked at each other. He may have just been thirteen, but he could tell the two truly did love each other.

Jihoon found Soonyoung’s blushing adorable when he took Soonyoung’s soft, chubby hand in his. He squeezed it three times. Soonyoung squeezed back. Jeonghan wondered what they were doing. Jihoon was smiling. The three squeezes meant something to him. I. Love. You.

The three squeezes became a big thing between the two. They would slip their hands under the table, or when they held hands walking through the hallways. Jeonghan thought it was adorable. He often cooed at them when he saw them squeeze three times.

“I don’t know what that is or why you do it, but I do know it’s adorable,” he said to them one break.

“Huh?” Jihoon looked at his hyung.

“Those three squeezes. It’s cute.” Jeonghan saw Jihoon blush. “You’re cute, Jihoon.”

“Shut up,” Jihoon mumbled. “I’m manly as hell.” Soonyoung giggled and squished Jihoon’s squishy cheeks. Soonyoung was the only person who was allowed to squish Jihoon’s cheeks, so Jihoon slapped Jeonghan’s arm off when he tried to do so.

Jeonghan began to feel like a third wheel. Jihoon and Soonyoung were twelve and had a much better relationship than anyone else in their year. They weren’t even _in _a relationship. The two had grown up with a friend in an older year (plus Soonyoung had an older sibling), and so the two were mature for their age. Jeonghan didn’t realise this meant when it came to love, too. So he watched them hug each other almost 24/7 and squeeze hands, all the while commenting how cute they were.__

__Except when Jihoon and Soonyoung were in seventh grade, Jeonghan in eighth, there was a confused Chinese boy in sixth grade. Of course, Jeonghan took him under his wing. His name was Minghao and he spoke very basic Korean. Jihoon wondered why Jeonghan was so protective of him when Minghao could barely understand them. He spent a lot of time flicking through his book he used to learn Korean. Soonyoung told him to write his notes in blue ink, although he had to demonstrate for the boy to understand. When he finally understood, he nodded his head excitedly and thanked him. Jihoon was dying internally at how cute Soonyoung was being._ _

__Jihoon realised when he was just twelve that he loved Kwon Soonyoung._ _


	7. Fire

Jeonghan finally showed up to work a week after Jihoon’s funeral. Seungcheol and Mingyu were both working with him. Seungcheol was ignoring Jeonghan for a reason unknown to both Mingyu and Jeonghan himself. He was acting as though he didn’t exist. Mingyu gave Jeonghan a hug and complimented his hair. It had been pulled back in a half up style.

“Are you okay?” Mingyu asked, tucking a stray strand of hair behind Jeonghan’s small, pink ear. “You look so exhausted.”

“I’m fine,” Jeonghan said. Seungcheol looked at Jeonghan. He and Mingyu both knew Jeonghan wasn’t fine. He was far from it.

Their boss was lurking in the doorframe to the back of the store, watching Jeonghan throughout the day. Jeonghan hadn’t been in for the last two weeks with no notice. He was two hours late in today. So when Seungcheol clocked out early, and no customers were in the store, he came out.

“Yoon Jeonghan.” He said loudly. Jeonghan jumped.

“Y-yes sir?” He stuttered and turned around.

“I’m afraid to say that I’ve made the decision to fire you.” His boss told him. It took all of Jeonghan’s willpower not to cry there and then. “You haven’t showed up for two weeks and today you were very late.”

“I-I’m sorry, sir,” Jeonghan said, panicking. “Please give me another cha-”

“No. My decision is final. Leave.” The boss ordered. Mingyu’s fists were clenched.

“You can’t fire him!” He shouted, his emotions boiling aggressively inside of him and overflowing. He was fuming.

“I can do whatever I like, Mr Kim. Afterall, this is my store.” The boss, Mr Park, spoke.

“You don’t know what the hell Jeonghan’s going through!” Mingyu argued. His anger was rising each second.

“And I don’t ca-”

“His childhood best friend has died, not even three years after his other childhood best friend. This guy was almost all he had ever known for twenty fucking years, of course he’s going to be mourning so much that he is incapable to perform well at work!” Mingyu’s voice was getting louder with almost each word. Jeonghan was scared. He tugged on Mingyu’s sleeve.

“Mingyu, it’s okay, it doesn’t matter,” he whispered.

“If you’re going to be so hard on someone who’s already going through a hard time without you interfering, then I hope you enjoy not having me working here. I quit.” And with that, Mingyu threw off his apron, angrily untied Jeonghan’s and dragged him out the store. Jeonghan was crying as Mingyu took him through the streets and down to the car park.

“Joshua’s going to be angry,” he whispered as Mingyu buckled Jeonghan’s seatbelt in his car.

“No he isn’t. You know him better than anyone else, Jeonghan. That boy is incapable of anger.” Mingyu had a point. Jeonghan sniffed and rubbed his sleeve against his cheeks.

“He’ll be disappointed in me, at least,” Jeonghan said. Mingyu shook his head. He slammed the car door shut, startling the crying boy in the car. When he climbed into the driver’s seat, he spoke again.

“He understands what you’re going through. He’s been there throughout for the majority of the time you’ve been at home.” Jeonghan cried into his hands as Mingyu drove him home.

Jeonghan’s shaking hands stumbled with the keys when they pulled up, so Mingyu took them from him and opened the front door for him. Joshua was immediately alerted by the sound of his fiancé crying, and stood up as Mingyu took him through the door to the living room.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” He asked softly, taking Jeonghan into his arms.

“I’m sorry,” Jeonghan sobbed harder.

“He lost his job,” Mingyu explained. “Mr Park was being hard on him because he hadn’t been in recently with no notice.”

“I’m sorry, Joshua,” Jeonghan apologised again, his voice muffled because he had his face buried in Jeonghan’s neck.

“There’s no need to apologise, love,” Joshua rubbed his back. “It doesn’t matter.”

“But now I can’t help us earn money,” Jeonghan pulled his face from Joshua’s neck and wiped his eyes.

“It’s okay. We aren’t struggling. We’ll be fine, okay? You can have a few months not working whilst you recover from mourning, and then once you feel good again you can apply for whatever jobs you want and get back on your feet, yeah?” Joshua kissed Jeonghan’s forehead. The sniffling boy was relieved that Joshua wasn’t angry.

“What did I do to deserve you?” Jeonghan asked, nuzzling his face into Joshua’s neck again.

“Lots of things, Hannie. You’re an angel. I’m the one who didn’t do anything to deserve you,” Joshua said. Jeonghan shook his head.

“I love you so, so much.”

“I love you most. Go rest, you look exhausted.” He kissed Jeonghan’s nose. Jeonghan nodded and walked upstairs. Joshua turned to Mingyu. The tall boy was distracted by the photographs on the mantlepiece.

“How come you took him home?” Joshua asked curiously. “I didn’t think you finished work for another hour.”

“Oh, I quit out of rage,” Mingyu said, directing his attention back to Joshua. “I hate that guy for firing Jeonghan.”

“Did you yell?”

“Yeah.” Mingyu nodded. “I was loud. I think I scared Jeonghan.”

“Bless,” Joshua chuckled. “Thank you for standing up for him.”

“Anytime.”


	8. Chinese Students

“Jeonghan! Minghao!” Soonyoung ran excitedly out to break, Jihoon right behind him, towards where Jeonghan and Minghao sat. Minghao shuffled closer to Jeonghan, feeling slightly threatened.

“There’s a new kid in our class!” Jihoon exclaimed, practically leaping next to Jeonghan.

“That’s nice,” Jeonghan commented.

“You don’t understand!” Soonyoung screeched. “He’s Chinese! He speaks better Korean than Hao! He can help him!” Jeonghan’s eyes widened. Minghao was confused. He understood five words within everything Soonyoung had just said; Chinese, speaks better Korean, and Hao.

Minghao only understood when he met this Chinese student named Wen Junhui at lunch time. He introduced himself in Mandarin, and explained why the others were so excited for them to meet. So Minghao drifted away from Jihoon and Soonyoung, and grew very close to Junhui. He stuck to Jeonghan, though.

Junhui was quick to develop a crush on Minghao. He adored his nose, his eyes, his hair that he loved to curl, and he thought his struggle with Korean was adorable. His laugh was music to Junhui’s ears. The two were best friends. Junhui was friendzoned.

“Do you know Kim Mingyu?” Minghao asked one day. They ignored the weird looks other students gave them for the Mandarin.

“Yeah, who doesn’t? Is he in your classes?” Junhui questioned. Kim Mingyu was the target for most people’s crushes. He was tall and handsome, with a lovely voice that rippled through your ears like caramel. His singing and rapping was glorious.

“Yes, he is,” Minghao went red. “I really, really like him.”

“Oh yeah?” Jun’s heart broke a little.

“I think so,” MInghao said. Then he nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah.”

“Cute,” Jun smiled. He ruffled Minghao’s hair. “Just remember everyone’s chasing him, yeah?”

“Mhm.” Minghao nodded. 

Minghao believed he had no chance with Mingyu. Junhui believed he had no chance with Minghao.


	9. Strong

“I know I don’t know you, but I feel obligated to say sorry. About Jihoon. I wish I could have helped him. Jeonghan introduced us because I could have been a distraction to him, he believed I could help Jihoon. But I couldn’t. I can’t face Jeonghan knowing he thought I could help him. I just can’t.”

Joshua was startled to find Seungcheol at Soonyoung’s grave. When he heard what he was saying, he knelt down besides him and put his arm around him. Seungcheol cried into Joshua’s chest. Joshua realised he spent half his time with someone crying in his arms recently.

“I feel like it’s my fault, Joshua,” Seungcheol told him.

“Hey, no,” Joshua comforted him. “It’s no one’s fault. Except maybe the guy who shot Soonyoung…”

“Jeonghan felt I could help him. I promised you to try.”

“And you did try. It’s okay, Cheol. He was incredibly deep into depression. I knew he was. I should have gotten him help, but maybe he would have refused. He’s happy now, Seungcheol. He’s with Soonyoung.”

“Does Jeonghan hate me?”

“What?” Joshua was taken aback. “No! Of course not. He’s just a little bit sad because he said you were ignoring him the other day. Did you just feel guilty?” Seungcheol nodded. Joshua hugged him until he felt a little better. He drove him home once he had stopped crying.

“Text Han later, okay? So he knows you don’t hate him. He’s sensitive when he’s down,” Joshua said. Seungcheol nodded as he got out.

“Will do.” He said his goodbye and Joshua drove back to his place, only to find Jeonghan curled up on the window seat, his black hair in two tiny pigtails. Joshua snapped a picture on his phone. He looked adorable. It was also how he realised Jeonghan wasn’t asleep, as the sound had caused Jeonghan’s eyes to snap open.

Joshua walked over, lifting Jeonghan so that he could slip beneath him. Jeonghan was now lying peacefully on his fiancé’s lap. He stroked Jeonghan’s bangs out of his face continuously, as he once did with Jihoon. Jeonghan really looked like an angel. He almost expected a pair of glorious, snow white wings to be sprouting from his shoulder blades. He had the most beautiful fiancé, in his opinion. He couldn’t wait to marry him.

“Who would you like as your best man, Hannie?” Joshua asked softly. He saw a flash of pain in Jeonghan’s eyes.

“I wanted Jihoon,” he replied. “But I think I’d like Chan now. Who would you like?”

“I’m not sure,” Joshua said. “Maybe Dokyeom?” Jeonghan nodded.

“Chan and Dokyeom.” He said. “That’d be nice.” The two thought for a little bit. They hadn’t really begun planning their wedding yet. The couple had been busy making sure Jihoon was okay, and then mourning and planning the funeral and mourning after the funeral.

“When would you like the wedding? Any preferred season?” Joshua asked.

“Spring...maybe.” Jeonghan took Joshua’s hand and laced their fingers together. “Late March, possibly. Or May. May would be nice.”

“May is the proper month of Spring, I think,” Joshua said. “March is just after Winter. April showers. May is closer to Summer, but it isn’t too hot. May would be nice, yeah.” Jeonghan hummed in agreement.

Joshua liked to speak about things other than Jihoon, for both he and Jeonghan’s sake. Jeonghan was a mess. Joshua had to stay strong for him. But Joshua felt just as bad, and he fought hard not to cry everyday.

 

A hooded figure walked into the bookstore. Joshua stared. The grey hoodie was much too large for the person. He knew it wasn’t him. He was dead, for starters. He was also about six feet tall. He took a poetry book and sat down.

And Joshua broke.

Dokyeom pulled him to the back of the store, the manager watching them in concern as he went over to the counter. Joshua could do nothing but let the sobs shake through his body. He had bottled everything up for Jeonghan. Dokyeom held him in his tanned arms, allowing Joshua to let everything out.

“Wonwoo looked like Jihoon, didn’t he?” He asked quietly. Joshua nodded, still sobbing. “Stay here.” Dokyeom left back into the main store. Two minutes later Junhui came in, but Joshua wasn’t confused, despite the fact that Junhui didn’t work there. He was too busy crying.

“Dokyeom told me to come through,” Junhui explained briefly. Joshua looked so weak and vulnerable. Junhui wrapped his arms around him, just wanting to hug him forever and keep him safe. Each time Joshua paused his weeping to breathe and attempt to calm down, they could hear Dokyeom yelling. It made Joshua cry harder.

He knew Dokyeom was shouting at Wonwoo for upsetting him. They got louder, so the two assumed Dokyeom had pulled the poor, innocent boy to another part of the back of the store to yell. Joshua knew if Jihoon was watching he would yell, “YOU’RE MAKING A SCENE!”

Junhui positioned Joshua so he sat in front of him and he began to massage his shoulders. It was a random gesture, but Joshua loved shoulder massages. They helped to calm him down. Jeonghan gave the best massages.

“I’m tempted to go shriek at Dokyeom. He’s causing quite the public disturbance,” Junhui humored. It caused Joshua to chuckle between his sobs. Junhui smiled. “What the hell happened anyways? I just walked in to read and Dokyeom shoved me back here.”

“W-Wonwoo just looks like Jihoon once did today. Dokyeom’s being p-protective,” Joshua wiped his eyes. The Chinese boy nodded understandingly.

“Would you like me to phone Jeonghan?” Junhui asked. Joshua shook his head vigorously.

“I have to stay strong for him,” Joshua stated. “He can’t know.”

“You can’t bottle things up, Josh.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay.”

Junhui sighed. He decided he can’t argue when someone says they’re fine. They know how they’re feeling. No one else does. So he just waited for the yelling to subside and continued to rub his fingers into Joshua’s skinny shoulders. He wondered if he’d lost weight. He knew Jeonghan had. Even before Jihoon died. He figured he wasn’t eating due to worry about his best friend.

The manager came by and told Joshua he could go home early if he liked. Joshua thanked him and made his way home after receiving yet another hug from Junhui. He avoided Jeonghan’s questions. Jeonghan knew he had been crying. Joshua just denied it. He had to stay strong for Jeonghan.


	10. Cookies

Jihoon and Soonyoung were concerned when Jeonghan missed out on a few days and didn’t reply to their texts. When he finally showed up at school, he looked incredibly tired and pale. Chan was now at the same school as them again, and he almost burst into tears when he saw Jeonghan’s state.

“I’m fine,” was his answer to their questions. “My dad passed away in a car accident. I’m fine, though.” Chan hugged him and Jihoon massaged his shoulders and Soonyoung told him jokes to distract him. Jeonghan had been extremely close to his dad.

He was quieter than usual and a lot less interested in anything. So when Jihoon got home, he told his mom he was taking over the kitchen for an hour, and he pulled out ingredients for cookies.

“Why are you baking?” His mom asked.

“Jeonghan’s dad died. We baked cookies when we were like ten or something and he loved them. I need to cheer him up a little bit,” Jihoon explained briefly, roughly taking out the scales.

“You’re such a good kid, Jihoon,” his mother ruffled his hair.

“Uh huh.” He was concentrated on getting the right amount of butter. Normally he would inform her that he’s fourteen and not a kid. He wasn’t even a good kid. He tried to murder the popular boy at school with a guitar. Bad move. Although Mingyu was a puppy in a tall thirteen year old’s body, and was scared by a door slamming, a lot of people hated Jihoon for the guitar incident. If he got called out on it in the hallways he would simply tell them that he’s short and therefore closer to Hell. Jihoon often got mistaken for a sixth grader. Mingyu got mistaken for a ninth grader.

Once the cookies were done, Jihoon started making some icing. He knew Jeonghan’s favorite was plain icing from icing sugar, so he spread that kind as best as he could on top of each cookie and scattered sprinkles on top. He set them neatly in a clear, plastic lunchbox that labelled ‘YOON JEONGHAN’ in a blue sharpie.

“I’m going to give Jeonghan the cookies,” Jihoon called out and left the house before his parents could respond. He walked as quick as his short legs could carry him, the box in his small hands. He got to Jeonghan’s house quicker than usual and knocked on his front door.

“Oh, hello, Jihoon!” Mrs. Yoon greeted. Jihoon smiled up at her.

“Is Jeonghan in?” He asked.

“Yes, he’s in his room,” Mrs. Yoon let Jihoon in. He was as familiar with Jeonghan’s home as well as his own. He knocked on Jeonghan’s door. He was greeted by a very quiet, “come in”.

“Hi, Jeonghannie,” Jihoon said as he walked in. He shut the door behind him. Jeonghan peered at him from where he was lying on his bed. “I baked you cookies. You had better like them, I kicked my mom out the kitchen to make them.”

Jeonghan chuckled and sat up. His normally quiffed black hair flopped lazily on Jeonghan’s forehead. He looked cute. The two spent the evening together talking about anything and watching kdrama on Jeonghan’s TV in his room. Jihoon didn’t care about kdrama, but Jeonghan did, so he watched it with him. Jihoon was glad that he had succeeded in cheering Jeonghan up a little bit.


	11. Garden Centres

Other than Joshua, Jihoon and Soonyoung, Jeonghan’s closest friend had always been Chan. The two had platonically loved each other since Jeonghan took care of Chan when he was just five. Chan saw him as an older brother, and Jeonghan saw him as a little brother. Chan was quick to find out the older boy had lost his job when he came over.

“I’ll tell you when any offers come up at the garden centre,” he offered. “The boss is really kind. He’ll understand if you aren’t quite fit to start right away.” 

“Thanks,” Jeonghan said. Chan gave him a hug before beginning to braid a part of his hair. The gesture caused Jeonghan to smile. Chan had done this since Jeonghan’s hair was long enough.

So a month later, Jeonghan got a new job at the garden centre with Chan. Chan was ecstatic. It was true that the boss, Mrs Kim, was really kind. She had told Jeonghan that ideally she wanted Jeonghan to start the following Tuesday, but if he wasn’t feeling up to it then she would give him sick pay. Jeonghan thanked her for the offer but showed up on Tuesday anyways.

“Jeonghannie!” Chan squealed when he walked in. He took a small clip from a pot under the counter and an orange flower from a vase next to it and slipped the flower into the clip. He slid his little accessory into Jeonghan’s hair.

“That’s cute,” Jeonghan commented.

“I tend to do it for the little girls who come in with their parents,” Chan giggled sweetly.

Working at a garden centre proved to be very relaxing and calm. He admired the cacti, and answered customer’s questions almost all day. He had received a booklet to study at his last job interview, and Chan had also educated him. Joshua texted him almost every hour to check how he was doing. 

“So, good first day, babe?” Joshua asked when Jeonghan got home. The long haired boy nodded. Jeonghan missed the coffee store, but at least he could hang out with Chan and earn money. A garden centre wasn’t quite his cup of tea, or coffee. But it would do for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my dudes the updates will slow down  
> apologies  
> i have a lot planned tho ayyyy


	12. A Flower Called Jihan Has Blossomed

When Jeonghan started tenth grade, he took the new boy in his year under his wing. He was incredibly shy and had just moved from America. His voice was pleasant to listen to, and he was good looking too, making all the girls swoon over him. He also played guitar. He would often coward behind Jeonghan if a girl even looked at him.

“Dude, you are so gay for Joshua,” Soonyoung teased when Joshua had quietly excused himself to the bathroom one breaktime. Jeonghan blushed harder than Joshua when he just said hello. Jihoon chortled.

“He’s cute,” Jeonghan said.

“Ask him out!” Jihoon exclaimed. “He’s too shy to ask you out, it’s up to you, man!”

“He doesn’t like me,” Jeonghan mumbled. He tried to use hair to cover his face. He was growing it out, but it wasn’t quite long enough to hide his red cheeks yet.

“He does!” Jihoon almost yelled.

“Yoon Jeonghan. If I can buy a chicken that shrieks when you press it on my parent’s card without asking you can ask Joshua Hong to be your boyfriend.” Soonyoung said.

“The dog toy?” Jihoon asked. Soonyoung snorted and nodded. Jeonghan shook his head.

Jeonghan was speechless when Jihoon sent him a text later that evening saying he had told Joshua he likes him. He didn’t know whether to yell or cry. The teenager figured they had to talk it over, and knowing Joshua, he would have to talk to him first, but Jeonghan was surprised.

**Recipient: Joshua**  
**Message: Jihoon said you like me???**  
**Like in that way???**  
**Is that true?**

Jeonghan’s eyes widened and his pulse quickened. His trembling fingers quickly typed back a reply.

**To: Joshua**  
**Message: Yeah, it is, he wasn’t supposed to tell you, I’m sorry**

Jeonghan was about to have a heart attack when Joshua suggested he went over so they could talk face to face. He felt as though his heart was beating so rapidly it would burst out of his chest at any moment, but he walked down to Joshua’s.

Joshua raced down the stairs when he heard the doorbell sound, desperate to reach the door before either of his parents. He stumbled over the last few steps just as the door opened and he made eye contact with Jeonghan.

“Hi,” he greeted quietly as Jeonghan walked over to him. He followed him up the stairs.

“I’m really sorry,” Jeonghan said nervously, “Jihoon really wasn’t meant to tell you-”

“No, it’s okay.” Joshua told him. His face heated up and tinted red. “I-I think I kinda like you t-too.”

Jeonghan was shocked. “R-really?” Joshua nodded timidly.

“You know you want and you’re gorgeous and y-your voice is so nice and I love your lips and your cheekbones and your eyes and-” Joshua paused, his face flaming. “I’m going to embarrass myself, oh no,”

“It’s okay,” Jeonghan smiled. He was so adorable.

“I’ve just, I’ve never considered bringing a b-boy home to my Christian family,” Joshua admitted shyly. “You know, stereotypes and stuff. I figured I’d marry a nice girl, have a few kids, and settle down in the suburbs. I’ve never liked any girls, though. And suddenly there was you in all your glory and I just...yeah.” Jeonghan had moved closer to Joshua. Joshua was now almost up against the wall, and Jeonghan was very close to his body. He put his hands up on the wall on each side of Joshua, almost leaning his body into him. The shy boy’s eyes were widen open and his face had never been more red.

Jeonghan smirked and leaned in closer. Joshua could feel the boy’s breathe on his lips. He suddenly had a desire to kiss those plump lips. He wondered if jeonghan could hear how fast his heart was beating.

And Jeonghan crashed his lips down on Joshua’s. It felt good. Jeonghan allowed his fingers to run through Joshua’s hair, and Joshua looped his arms around Jeonghan’s neck. It was magical. When they pulled away to breathe, Joshua looked like a tomato. He smiled.

“Is this too cliche?” Jeonghan asked with a grin. Joshua shook is head.

“It’s perfect. Y-you’re perfect,” Joshua whispered. The older boy smiled and the two kissed once more.

“Then will you be my boyfriend?” Jeonghan asked. Joshua nodded.

“I’d like that,” he said softly. They kissed a third time.

Later that night, the new couple lay half asleep on Joshua’s double bed. Joshua’s head was on Jeonghan’s chest.

“A flower called Us has blossomed,” Jeonghan said. Joshua beamed. And they fell asleep in the position they were, thankful that Jihoon had told Joshua of Jeonghan’s feelings.


	13. "I'm not hungry."

“Seungcheol got a dog,” Joshua commented.

“That’s nice.” Jeonghan didn’t really care. Sure, dogs were cute, but Jihoon loved dogs. Dogs saddened him a little bit now.

“A cavachon. Fully grown because he works a lot and lives alone. He can’t care for a puppy,” Joshua continued. Jeonghan grunted. Joshua frowned. He was worried about Jeonghan. He was beginning to show symptoms of depression. But maybe it was a stage of grief. He couldn’t be sure.

“Didn’t you want a dog once?” Joshua asked.

“Once.” Jeonghan responded.

“Why not anymore?” Joshua took Jeonghan’s hand in his. He shrugged. “I’m worried about you, Hannie.”

“I’m fine. I promise, babe,” Jeonghan kissed Joshua’s cheek and lay down on his lap. Joshua wasn’t sure that he was fine. Why was nobody fine anymore?

The two sat in silence. Joshua didn’t know what to say. Jeonghan didn’t have anything to say. The younger wanted to get Jeonghan to tell him everything he was feeling, but he was stubborn and he knew he never would. He wasn’t Jihoon. He didn’t break in front of people. He broke when he was along with his thoughts and couldn’t escape.

Joshua felt hungry, which made him realise he couldn’t remember when Jeonghan last ate. That was bad.

“Have you eaten?” He asked.

“I ate a little bit a little while ago,” Jeonghan lied. “When you were at work.” He wasn’t quite sure when he had last eaten. It must have been a few days. He never ate with Joshua anymore. He told him he had had some food when he was working, which he hadn’t. He was starving. Jeonghan knew his weight had dropped dramatically but he didn’t think anything of it.

“I’m not hungry,” Jeonghan said later that evening. Joshua had been offering him food for the past twenty minutes. “I ate earlier, honestly. I’m not hungry.” To Jeonghan’s relief, Joshua gave up.

Soon after, Jeonghan’s head spun rapidly when he stood up. Rushes of heat waved through his body and his eyesight was going funny. It was blurring in and out of focus, and then he collapsed.


	14. Hospitals

Jeonghan was confused when he woke up in a room that was mostly unfamiliar. He’d been in rooms similar, but only to see someone else. It didn’t take him long to realise Joshua must have taken him to the hospital.

The boy sat up quietly, trying to gather up his memories to recall what happened. He didn’t know. The last thing he could remember was standing up and feeling lightheaded…

He wasn’t sure what to do. He felt that maybe he needed to call in a nurse, but then he also felt that that was unnecessary. So he looked at his surroundings instead. His phone lay on his desk so he knew he must have been unconscious long enough for Joshua to drop him in and get him some of his stuff..He wondered what had happened. Had he fainted and hit his head? He wasn’t sure.

He was filled with relief when Joshua came into the room. His face lit up when he saw Jeonghan was awake.

“Hiya, sweetheart,” he said softly. Joshua pulled up a chair and sat down next to the bed. “How are you feeling?”

“Confused,” Jeonghan replied honestly. “What happened?”

“You collapsed and passed out,” his fiancé informed him. “And you hit your head on the kitchen tiles. You haven’t been eating, have you?” Jeonghan looked at him with shame and shook his head. Joshua sighed and stroked his hair.

“I’m sorry,” he quietly apologised. “Are you mad at me?”

“No!” Joshua exclaimed. “No, not at all! I just want you to be okay, hun.” Jeonghan nodded.

“Am I being kept in?” He asked.

“Yeah, until your health and diet goes back to normal,” Joshua answered. “They thought inpatient treatment would be best for you.”

“Okay. I’m sorry,” the older boy apologised again.

“No need to be sorry, Han. It’s okay, as long as you’re okay.” Joshua kissed his nose.

Jeonghan felt guilty. He hated Joshua knowing he had lied to him. He just didn’t want him worrying that he wasn’t eating. He simply didn’t feel like it. He wasn’t sure how he had managed three working days standing without collapsing. 

Turning on his phone, he realised he had only been out for two hours. He was worried he had been out for longer. Jeonghan guessed he must have hit his head quite hard against the floor. No wonder he had a slight headache. 

The boy scooted over in his bed and patted the spot next to him. Joshua smiled and kicked his shoes off, lying next to his fiancé. Although his hair was messy and his skin was pale, and dark circles lay clearly beneath his eyes, he somehow managed to still look gorgeous. Joshua laced his hands with Jeonghan’s slender fingers. He adored those fingers. He loved everything about his beautiful fiancé, no matter what. Jeonghan was perfect in his eyes.

 

Jeonghan could perfectly imagine little Chan freaking out when he told him he was in hospital the next day. Chan had texted asking why he wasn’t in work with multiple sad faces and telling him he missed him. His phone almost exploded with many texts along the lines of, “are you okay?”, “what happened?”, “are you ill?”, “are you hurt?”, “can i come see you?”. Jeonghan chuckled and told him of course he could come and visit him. 

Chan showed up with a fluffy toy dinosaur and a get well soon card. Jeonghan couldn’t help but smile. He always babied Chan, so perhaps that was why he hadn’t exactly grown up yet. Soonyoung had loved to squish his cheeks and boop his nose, cuddling him on his lap. Jeonghan liked to cuddle him and play with his hair, as well as ask him “who’s baby are you?”, to which Chan had to reply, “Jeonghan hyung’s baby.”

“You’re so cute, Channie,” Jeonghan complimented. Chan beamed and tucked the dinosaur by his pillow. Jeonghan stood the card on the bedside table.

“What happened?” Chan asked. When Jeonghan told him, he wrapped his arms around Jeonghan’s slender figure.

“I’m okay, though, Chan, really,” Jeonghan told him.

“Make sure you stay okay, then,” Chan replied. 

“I will,” Jeonghan said. Chan let his childish side show even more by making them pinky promise. This was something they had done since Chan was a first grader. It was their little thing.

They spent a nice hour talking together, mostly Jeonghan letting the younger ramble about his favorite flowers and meanings behind flowers. The older boy began to wonder why he worked in a garden centre and not a flower shop which was more specifically about what he seemed to adore. Jeonghan listened closely and tried to remember as much as he could. After all, it could come in handy.

Joshua visited too after work. He said hello to Chan before kissing Jeonghan and giving him a pretty bunch of flowers. Chan began telling them about the meaning of them, which Jeonghan listened to closer than before. Joshua was impressed.

Although Jeonghan had only been in hospital for two days, Joshua was already lonely at home. The bed was cold without his partner lying besides him, snoring ever so softly and someone’s arm around the other. He missed waking up to the one he loved most. But he knew the hospital would help get Jeonghan’s eating habits in order. He wanted what was best for him. He just hoped he’d be okay soon.


	15. Coffee and Jihoon

“It’s odd not having Jeonghan around,” Joshua stated, busily wandering around the kitchen making coffee and slipping two slices of bread into the toaster. “I mean, I’ve started talking to myself because I talk to him then I remember he isn’t here and I just keep on talking because I’m in the middle of a sentence.”

Minghao giggled, both at what Joshua was saying and what he was doing. He seemed like he had to preoccupy himself without his fiancé in the house with him. Like he needed a distraction. Joshua wasn’t 100% happy without Jeonghan. Afterall, Joshua had buried himself deep in his shell his whole life until Jeonghan pulled him out of it and helped him find confidence and leave behind a lot of his shyness.

“Are you okay without him right now?” Minghao asked. Joshua nodded.

“Have you had any luck in trying to get Mingyu to like you yet?” The older boy changed the subject. Minghao blushed.

“No. But he has been getting in arguments with Wonwoo,” Minghao said. “He told me.”

 

“Oh really?” Joshua frowned, grabbing the milk from the fridge. Minghao nodded his head.

 

“Bad,” the Chinese boy said softly. “It makes him upset.” He shook his head when Joshua suggested he invited Mingyu to stay with him for a little bit.

 

“Why not? Time heals everything. Every healthy relationship needs time apart.”

 

“I already asked. He said he can’t. He wouldn’t tell me anymore.”

 

Joshua’s eyebrows furrowed together. The toaster suddenly made him jump. He took out the toast and began to heavily butter it. The twenty-three year old quickly grew paranoid about Mingyu’s situation, but he shrugged it off.

 

It was bugging him. After visiting Jeonghan with Minghao and dropping the younger at his apartment, he went down to the one place he could pour any part of his soul out. No one else was there. Joshua wondered why he never saw anyone else when he came so often.< /span>

 

“Hi, Jihoon,” he sat on the grass. He missed Jihoon. He read the tombstone.

 

**Lee Jihoon**

**November 22, 1996 - June 16, 2018**

**Gone but never forgotten He will be heavily missed Joshua sighed before speaking. “Jeonghan’s pretty depressed without you. He’s in hospital. Starving himself. Maybe he’s depressed. Maybe it’s just the fourth stage of grieving. I don’t know if he’s accepted that you’re gone yet. Everything would be so much nicer if we still had you and Soonyoung. Nothing seems okay anymore. I miss you. We all do. I hope you’re happy now, Jihoon. I’m sure you are. I’m glad.” Joshua sighed. “I just really miss you.”**


	16. Lizards

After two months in hospital, Jeonghan was relieved to be home. Seungcheol had come over with his dog so Jeonghan was cuddling the little dog in his arms. She was called Sadie. Good Mythical Morning was on the TV. Joshua seemed to watch it religiously now, almost as though he was watching the new episodes for Jihoon.

“You really don’t want a dog anymore, Han?” Joshua asked upon seeing his fiancé with Sadie. Jeonghan shrugged.

“I wouldn’t mind a little pup, but no one’s in to look after it.” Jeonghan said. Joshua nodded.

“I want to get a lizard.” Seungcheol stated. “A bearded dragon. They’re cool. I’d like a dog and a lizard to keep me company.”

“Get a boyfriend. You seem like you’re gay.” Jeonghan said. Seungcheol laughed.

“I’m never going to have a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. I’m asexual aromantic,” he explained. Jeonghan nodded, rubbing Sadie’s ear.

“Lizards are cool.” Jeonghan said. Seungcheol hummed in agreement. Jeonghan wanted a lizard but Joshua didn’t seem like the kind of guy to like lizards.

So instead, Jeonghan somehow managed to get himself a job at the nearest pet store. Chan was devastated not to have Jeonghan working with him anymore, but he was glad Jeonghan found something he thought he would like more.

Joshua didn’t know what to say or think when Jeonghan came home with a bearded dragon and everything he needed to care for it. Seungcheol had been down to Daegu recently, doing “something like visiting family”, and so Jeonghan had been feeding his new bearded dragon named Isaac.

“I was thinking we could name him Rex,” Jeonghan said. “Or Eric.” Joshua just chuckled.

“We can name him whatever you like, Jeonghan.”


	17. The Wedding

Their wedding was beautiful. Chan and Dokyeom were best men, and even danced together at the reception, with Chan giggling and holding tightly onto the older boy’s hands. That was how the young man realised he had a crush on Dokyeom.

Joshua and Jeonghan slow danced to Love Love Love acoustic by EXO. The couple had never been happier, although they were both all too aware of two people who should have been there but were not.

“I wish we could have had Jihoon and Soonyoung here.” Jeonghan and Joshua sat out under the stars. A tear slipped from his eye. “I think those two stars are for them.” He pointed to the two brightest stars that shone brightly in the night sky. Joshua noticed his new husband trying not to cry.

“Hey, don’t be sad. Not tonight,” Joshua said. Jeonghan nodded.

“I’m sorry, babe.” Jeonghan apologised.

“There’s no need to be sorry. I miss them too. It felt like there was a little something missing.”

“Yeah. It was still perfect, though.”

“Yeah. Absolutely.”

 

But Jeonghan wasn’t completely happy. He loved Joshua with all his heart, but he had loved his best friends just as much too. He never realized just how badly he needed them. So he left.

Joshua cried for hours on end. Jeonghan’s lizard, Rex, stared at him from the table. The man didn’t know if he was surprised or not. He deeply regretted not getting Jeonghan checked for depression. It was like the world was mocking him, punishing him for not previously helping Jihoon. Clutching a suicide note in his hands, he wished more than anything that Jeonghan had never hanged himself.

Chan cried when Joshua gave him a fluffy toy dinosaur and a little dinosaur keyring. Joshua cried when he stared at the photos on the mantlepiece. He wished he could join the people in the frame. Back when Jeonghan, Soonyoung and Jihoon were all alive. Back when the happiness seemed endless.

 

It was a dark night. Joshua wasn’t exactly sure why he had felt the need to take a midnight stroll, but he had. Now he was staring across the road, about to cross. He looked left. He looked right. And on he went.

Joshua stopped when he heard an engine. He looked to his left. A car raced round the corner towards him. Joshua felt an intense pain all over his body, before closing his eyes for the very last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that is the end of all of HSHSH!!  
> THANK YOU ALL FOR READING


	18. Deleted Scenes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scenes I thought of and never added

\- In the first one, it _was _originally going to end up happy and I planned a bit more of Seungcheol trying to cheer Jihoon up and each time Jihoon is slowly letting Seungcheol in and he begins to open up and do things with him that he used to do with Soonyoung. I changed it because it felt more realistic when Jihoon was so deep in depression.__

__\- There was a lot more childhood scenes that I never added, including some Mingyu x Minghao and leading up to the day Jihoon died when he visited Soonyoung’s funeral. If you want it, I can write and publish them! They do exist in my mind but not quite on paper/my laptop_ _

__\- I imagined a little bit more of Jeonghan and Seungcheol’s lizard where Seungcheol comes home from his trip to Daegu and the lizard isn’t in its cage, so he finds Jeonghan with the lizard in his garden and all he says is, “I have got to ask Joshua for a lizard.”_ _

__\- Jeonghan never asked Joshua about getting the bearded dragon. He just got it after work and Joshua didn’t know what to think, but he realises it’s making Jeonghan happy and there was a little scene where he goes into “Jihoon’s” room, where the lizard is (next to Jisoo the Cactus) and picks him up and whispers to it, “thank you for making Jeonghan happy.”_ _

__\- At the end, when Jeonghan dies, Joshua takes the little dinosaur keyring and the fluffy dinosaur Chan gave Jeonghan down to Chan, where he’s sniffling surrounded by his millions of dinosaurs, and Chan just cries when Joshua gives him Jeonghan’s small collection._ _

__\- This isn’t a deleted scene but I have named all of Chan’s dinosaurs: Bibi, a big stegosaurus, Max is a fluffy pterodactyl, Egg is a small super fluffy velociraptor, Moop is a liopleurodon, Snoot Snoot is a maiasaura, Beauty is a bigger velociraptor with less fuzzy wrist and neck (designed following the theory that velociraptors had skin like the tyrannosaurus rex, Egg is designed following the theory that velociraptors had feathers), Fern is a giganotosaurus, Fifi’s a carcharodontosaurus, Leo and Osaka are both a t-rex, there’s a troodon called Tutu, an argentinosaurus named August, Eric the deinocheirus, Alpha the amargasaurus, Betty is a microraptor, Pineapple is a brontosaurus, Sneep Snoop is another maiasaura, Swimming Chicken is a spinosaurus (named after this swimming chicken video that he found funny), Lucy is a plateosaurus and Phillidino is a triceratops. Chan got that one when he visited the philippines when he was about twelve._ _

__\- When Dokyeom yelled at Wonwoo in the bookstore, Wonwoo had been in an argument with Mingyu and came to the store to distract himself. He went home in tears and Mingyu thought it was his fault and cried too._ _

___\- Wonwoo turned to alcohol a little while later and became a bit abusive to Mingyu when he was really, really drunk. Mingyu came to Jeonghan and Joshua’s door, beaten up and in tears, begging them not to call the police._  
\- Out of habit, Jeonghan drives down to Jihoon’s apartment on a Wednesday to check up on him. When he gets to the door of the building, he remembers Jihoon’s never going to need checking up on again. He sits down by the path and Joshua wonders where he is, and then he drives around town looking for him and finds him sniffling outside the apartment block.  
\- Joshua wakes up in the middle of the night to Jeonghan crying and he can’t help but be reminded of Jihoon at new year.  
\- Jeonghan loses a certain lipstick and he is sobbing over it, and Joshua’s super confused as to why he’s so fussed over it. The lipstick was a 19th birthday present from Jihoon. 

__\- Joshua teaches Jeonghan a certain song on guitar after he begged him to. It was Jihoon’s favorite song to play._ _

__\- When Soonyoung died, Jeonghan baked cookies for Jihoon because Jihoon did so for Jeonghan when his father died._ _

__\- When Jihoon died, Joshua baked cookies for Jeonghan and those cookies are one of the only things Jeonghan would eat before cutting off completely._ _

__\- When Jeonghan died, Minghao baked cookies for Joshua._ _

__\- When Joshua died, Chan baked cookies for himself and Seungcheol._ _

__\- Seungcheol was raised in an orphanage! That’s why in chapter 16 Seungcheol said his trip to Daegu was “something like visiting family”. His parents died when he was just a year old and he was never adopted or fostered. His one friend there was, though, and he was lonely. He was shy and struggled to come out of his shell in the hopes of getting the family he longed for, which he never did. I planned a scene with Em (smolxings) where he tells Chan all of this and says he never got adopted because he looked like a monkey when he was little._ _

__\- One time at school Jeonghan and Joshua were being cuddly during break, and Jihoon and Soonyoung start chanting “kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss!”. Joshua was super red and embarrassed and hiding his face in Jeonghan’s neck, but Jeonghan just laughed and moved his head to kiss him. Jihoon and Soonyoung were cheering and clapping._ _

__\- Joshua got Jeonghan treated for depression and that’s when Jeonghan realised Joshua was showing symptoms of anxiety. He gets diagnosed and Chan becomes the caring friend, always texting or calling or at their door to make sure they’re okay and managing okay._ _

__\- Soonhoon and Jihan went trick or treating together as teenagers - Jeonghan was Harley Quinn, Jihoon was the grim reaper and Hoshi was a ghost. Joshua was a priest and stood at the end of people’s paths reading the bible out loud as the other three knocked on the doors. Jeonghan shared his candy with him.  
\- Once Chan had recovered as best as he could from Jeonghan and Joshua’s deaths, Dokyeom asked him out on a date. They became a couple shortly after and they married when Chan was twenty-six and Dokyeom was twenty-eight. Seungcheol was Chan’s best man and Seungkwan’s was Dokyeom’s. _ _

__\- A big deleted scene is Jeonghan and Joshua living and adopting children. I had a cute scene where little four year old Jihoon was a shy crybaby and they have friends round and Jihoon is extremely frightened, so Chan gently approaches him and they play with the toy dinosaurs Chan brought with him. He gives Bibi to Jihoon, telling him “This is Bibi. I think you need him more than I do.”_ _

__\- Teenage Yoon-Hong Jihoon still sleeps with Bibi in his bed, despite the teasing remarks from his friends. Chan gets sick and Jihoon goes down to his and returns Bibi to him._ _

__And I think that’s all I planned but didn’t put in! Tell me if you’d like any of these scenes written properly and who knows, maybe I’ll write it all and put it in!_ _


	19. "I'm a monster."

Joshua was more than alarmed when a sobbing Mingyu turned up on his and Jeonghan’s doorstep. It was a warm evening but he had a large sweater on, for some reason ensuring his body was covered. Joshua found it sad that he ended up comforting a lot of crying people recently.

“Mingyu, are you okay?” Joshua took Mingyu by the hand and gently pulled him into their home.

“Wonwoo,” he cried. Joshua sat him down in the living room, rubbing his back and circling his thumb around Mingyu’s palm. Jeonghan sat staring wide-eyed at the window seat, silent.

“What about Wonwoo?” Asked Joshua. “Is he hurt? Sick?”

“He hit me,” Mingyu said. Joshua was stunned and Jeonghan’s jaw dropped. “He keeps drinking and he hits me on my arms and back and legs and face-” He looked up at Joshua who was uncertainly reaching out to get his phone.

“No,” Mingyu put his shaking hand on Joshua’s arm. “Please don’t call the police, Joshua, please don’t-”

“I have to, he’s abusing you, Mingyu,” Joshua told him.

“No, please don’t,” the tall boy cried harder. Joshua looked helplessly at Jeonghan, who mouthed to put the phone down. The young adult sighed and put his phone away.

Mingyu stayed the night at the engaged couple’s house, sleeping in Jihoon’s room. Joshua woke up the next morning to find Jeonghan applying full face makeup. He was currently applying dark red lipstick. His dark eyeshadow brought out the brown in his eyes surprisingly well and Joshua found him more gorgeous and attractive than he normally did.

“You’re up early,” Joshua stated. “What’s the makeup all about?”

“I’m going to speak to Wonwoo before he gets drunk again,” Jeonghan explained. “Hopefully, this is early enough for him not to be delving himself in alcohol. I need to look fierce and intimidating.”

“What if he hits you?” Jeonghan’s fiancé sat up abruptly and panicked. “I’ll come with you to make sure you’re okay-”

“Josh, babe, it’s fine,” Jeonghan said. “I can take care of myself.”

Although the makeup and black bobbed hair did succeed in making Jeonghan look fiercer, he was still incredibly skinny, with his ribs showing through his skin, and looked like his bones may snap if you accidentally bumped into him. He looked so frail and had such sharp features, amazingly different to the Jeonghan Joshua fell in love with. He loved him none the less, but he looked so broken and it hurt Joshua’s heart. He didn’t want Jeonghan in the same boat as Jihoon was in. The boat led down somewhere you couldn’t get out of, and only ended with death.

No words could create a summary of how worried Joshua was about his beloved fiancé. His eyes suddenly teared up. Mingyu’s whole body was black and blue, as well as a few cuts and scratches. Jeonghan getting hurt was the very last thing he wanted.

“Hey, why are you crying?” Jeonghan asked. He walked over to Joshua and cupped his face. “I’ll be fine, my prince.” He kissed Joshua’s cheek, leaving lipstick imprinted on his skin. He blew a kiss as he left the room and set off to Mingyu and Wonwoo’s.

Jeonghan wasn’t that scared. As long as Wonwoo wasn’t drunk, he assumed he was going to be fine. A messy looking, bed-haired Wonwoo opened the front door, looking mildly confused. Jeonghan wondered how long he’d been awake.

“We need to talk.” Jeonghan was straight to the point.

“Do we?” Wonwoo was puzzled. Jeonghan raised his flawlessly filled in eyebrows. The taller boy let him in and they sat down in his living room.

“Do you have any idea what you’re doing to Mingyu?” Jeonghan questioned, making sharp eye contact with the younger boy. Wonwoo was becoming more confused by the second.

“What? No? What am I doing?” Wonwoo asked, growing scared. He wondered if Mingyu hated him and if he had walked out on him.

“Abusing him, to say the least,” Jeonghan informed him. “His whole body is covered in bruises and cuts from you and he showed up on our doorstep in tears, Wonwoo,” 

Wonwoo couldn’t believe he had no memory of this. He began to wonder just how drunk he was. He knew he had fucked up terribly and that Mingyu probably hated him. His eyes filled with tears. He swore to himself to never touch another drink. Not if it turned him into a monster who abused his poor innocent boyfriend. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything, so Jeonghan spoke again instead.

“You seriously owe him an apology, although it will probably take a lot more than words to gain his trust again.” Jeonghan’s statement was followed by a weak nod from Wonwoo. He had become pale and his world was spinning.

A few days later, Mingyu found Wonwoo sat cross-legged on their bed, staring into space. A razor blade sat beside him, the tips painted in blood. Both of Wonwoo’s arms were coated red. Mingyu’s eyes widened.

“Wonwoo?”

Wonwoo’s head snapped towards Mingyu. His eyes began to tear up.

“Mingyu, I’m sorry, I know that can’t make up for it, I know you hate me-”

“No, I don’t hate- Wonwoo, your wrists,” Mingyu’s voice cracked and he stood Wonwoo up. His blood was on the sheets. 

“I’m a monster. I hurt you. So I hurt myself too,” Wonwoo mumbled weakly as he was taken to the bathroom to have his wounds cleaned up. Mingyu wrapped his deep cuts gently in bandages, tears falling from both boy’s cheeks.

“Why are you being so nice?” Wonwoo asked. “I don’t deserve it.”

“You’re human, too,” Mingyu said quietly. “What you did was awful, but I think...I think everyone deserves a second chance. Especially when you were so drunk you probably barely had any thoughts going through your mind.” Wonwoo counted himself as the luckiest man in the world.

“I love you. I’m never touching alcohol again.”

“I know you won’t. I’m not, either. I love you the most, Wonwoo. To infinity and back.”


	20. Chapter 20

Jihoon woke up early. The curtains were open and it allowed the sun to shine straight onto his face. He couldn’t remember a lot of the previous night - it had been Soonyoung’s birthday and he had consumed far too much alcohol in an attempt to numb the pain. He could barely feel the hangover - it was nothing compared to the ache in his heart that had been there for three years.

 

For once, Jihoon didn’t laze around in bed for an extra hour. He didn’t even glare at his alarm clock, which read 8:32, and instead pushed himself out of the sheets. He threw on a plain t-shirt and shorts.

 

The warm morning air wrapped itself around the boy’s small body as he tried to embrace the start of the Summer day. Patting his pockets for his keys, he slammed the door shut. He felt a piece of metal in his front pocket and nodded to himself, knowing he could get back in without bothering Jeonghan or Joshua. Bothering his two friends was all he felt he had done for the past two and a half years. His two best friends had done so much for him. He was bad at showing it, but he was extremely thankful. They looked after him and always had, and he knew they would for the rest of his life.

 

His feet led him down the road and out of his street until he found himself in a quieter, almost country lane. He kept walking, spying the church in sight. Jihoon slowly opened the black gate. He wasn’t sure how he was going to take this. He sunk to his knees once he had found what he was looking for, with a bunch of flowers in his hand that he had picked up 5 minutes prior.

 

“Hello, Soonyoung,” he whispered. The last time he had been there it was after a funeral. He knew he had a lot to say. “I’m sorry I haven’t seen you. I bought you flowers. White orchard. Your favorites. I, uh,” he began to arrange the flowers in front of the headstone, “I haven’t got a valid reason for not seeing you. It’s been nearly three years - Jesus, that’s awful, I’m sorry. It’s been a long ride without you. A fucking painful one. I don’t know if Josh and Jeonghan have told you anything but I’m a mess, long story short. I can’t remember the last time I ate, or slept at a reasonable time. If you were with me, you’d want to shoot me for my sleeping arrangement and drag me to bed earlier. Not a minute goes by without thinking about you. I met a guy. He’s called Seungcheol. Jeonghan thinks we’d have gotten along before you died. We have a lot in common. He’s nice. He looked after me a little bit before, when I attempted suicide…” Jihoon sighed heavily. “I’m a bastard. A complete asshole. I’ve barely made an effort with him. Jeonghan’s right, I would like him. But none of that matters because he isn’t you.

 

“I would do anything to have you back. You know that, right? For you to hold me in your arms. Kiss my forehead, kiss my nose, kiss my cheeks, kiss my hand, kiss my lips. Tell me it’s alright. Tell me you’ll always be there. Tell me you’re never going to leave me. But you left me. Nothing’s alright.”

 

Jihoon sat, drowning in a pool of both grief and thought. As he stared at Soonyoung’s headstone, he realised why he had never been able to see him. It made it real. It shocked his body. It was worse than the silence of his apartment. Worse than not seeing Soonyoung’s smiling face in the coffee store and worse than the cold of his bed without his boyfriend happily serving as his radiator.

 

“I’ll be with you soon, Soonyoung. Give me a couple of hours at most. I’ll be with you soon.”

 

And four hours later, Jeonghan and Joshua discovered Jihoon’s dead body.


End file.
